I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
