i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
