Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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