filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
