ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize