Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
