And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize