don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize