Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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