What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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