At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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