I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
