WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
