Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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