You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
