I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
