And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
