I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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