Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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