I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
