I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
