im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize