im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
