woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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