Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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