apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize