I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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