chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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