Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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