i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
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