I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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