Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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