I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
