I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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