You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Cover your peen. We're going out.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
