He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I skipped work to stalk him.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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