problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
