he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
