i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
