All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
