Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize