If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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