I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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