We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
