I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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