"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
