dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
3pm strippers are depressing
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
