So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
