i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
