Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
