Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
