I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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