you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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