Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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