I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
