Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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