Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
