My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
